How the Hell Do I Feel

Three sentences I hate hearing the most:

1. “I struggled when I grew up” – like everyone else in this world had an easy time growing up.

2. “I’m frustrated. I’m fed up with all this” – yes sir, you are the only person for whom things are not going well.

3. “You don’t know how much it hurts” – yeah! no one else met with an accident or got betrayed by a loved one.

Three questions I want to ask:

- Why does everyone make such a big deal of things that happen every second to every other person we know in this world?

- Why doesn’t our stupid brain show the reality instead of feeding us with illusions of a wonderland that doesn’t exist?

- Why don’t we accept the fact that life will never be fair? Whoever told you life would be fair. Do you even remember one such instance?

Complain, but struggle anyway. Feel frustrated, but do nothing about it. Cry because it hurts.

How the hell do I feel?

Sorry for them! I just accept the fact that things are not going to be easy, things are not going to work well, and pain is as much a part of anyone’s life as smile is.

On a second thought…

Sorry for me! Maybe life has been too easy for me, things have been going well for some time, or I haven’t felt ‘real’ hurt yet.

Struggle with a smile, persevere until things change, and bear the pain to grow stronger…

Incident:

He just wouldn’t stop repeating it. I’m hearing him say it the 10th time in the last few minutes. ‘He hit me. Didn’t even listen to me. He hit me.’  Yeah, he got hit pretty bad. It took me a few mintues to gather courage and stop the one-sided fight. All I wanted to do was to reach office and get off the cab.

I had to console him. ‘Yeah, it’s happens. This is what money and power can do!’ And then he adds, ‘We can’t get back at them.. No one will listen to us.’ That was true – no one would listen us if we complained. And maybe, things could get worse.

His eyes were red – if given a chance, he would go back and fight. Just after I got off the cab, I checked the part that had a dent. All I could see was a piece of bent metal. But, in his eyes, I saw a hurt ego…

A Few Minutes Ago:

My cab driver had just met with an accident. I saw it happen in front of my eyes. Before I could reach there, the driver of the ‘other car’ got off and started hitting my cab driver. Perhaps the most important point to note is that the ‘other car’ was an Audi.

I didn’t want to let my driver down so decided to take on the Audi driver. The Audi driver’s eyes were wandering in search of the cab’s registration number. All that I knew was that things were going to get worse if he got that registration number. My cab driver’s life could be doomed.

While his eyes wandered for for the registration number, I offered him my mobile number and said, ‘Call me if you want to do anything. I’ll take it on. Take my number. Take my damn number if you have a problem with my cab driver.’

Feeling:

Seriously, I was being crazy! That Audi was a famous Telugu actor’s car and I knew it. These guys sometimes live their live to own these posh cars and can do anything if something hurts them. A dent in the Audi can hurt them too. That’s exactly how people get carried away. That Audi could mean more to him than anything else in this world! Oh no…

And Luckily:

Here’s the twist in the story: when I offered my phone number, the Audi driver actually refused to take it. Now that he didn’t want it, I kept offering it to him. He backed off,  got into the Audi and drove away! Even now, I can’t understand why he didn’t take my number but I’m glad he didn’t!

I had stood for my cab driver alright- perhaps it was the right thing to do. I was actually ready to fight – fight an actor cum politician (money and power.)

To my eyes, I was standing between a bent piece of metal and a hurt ego. Both of which are just not worth fighting for.

I remember listening carefully to what he was saying. I observed very closely how his face reactions were and how he moved as he held everyone around him hooked!  Damn! I thought  to myself – when would I ever be so special?

The next few years of school, I spent closely observing scores of people trying to see what made them special or why would everyone want to be friends with that one person.

What is it that that makes people special? I would then compile the list of things that I’d think would make me special and imitate is just as these people would do. Guess what? I was pretty successful at it. There was a stage when I’d proudly say that everything in me was learned.

Then just out of college I was thrown into a world that I’d never imagined. I thought the same trick would work here as well but this time it was way too complex!  Every person I met was different and has something extraordinary in them. There was nothing in common and this startled me. It opposed my learning in life – that certain traits make people special. What next – of course, an identity crisis!

“Just be yourself” came the answer when I asked my manager what I should do as I struggled to cope up with this crisis. And then life changed forever…

Three years later, I know that I’m a special person, at least to a few people around me. Gone are the days when I would think about everything I’d do or say and reflect if I did the right thing or not. Gone are those days when I’d reflect from whom I acquired a particular habit.

These days, anytime I do say or do something different, I take pride in it and stop for a minute to remember, “I’m just being myself. To hell with being special. I just want to be myself and nothing more!”

I  : Where the hell have you been all these days?

Me  : Haha.. All over the place man! You won’t believe my stories…

I  : The last I remember talking to you was a few months ago…

Me  : Yeah! Things have become a little crazy and I’ve started to look at life in a much different way..

I  : Like what yo?

Me  : I don’t feel the need to express my feelings…

I  : What the F#%$??? You used to tell me every damn thing man…

Me  : Seriously buddy… You gotta trust me. We tend to be too stupid and lead a very ordinary life when we feel the need to express our feeling or emotions to someone. What do we end up doing?

I  : We feel good yo! Like all the burdens are over… We move on!

Me  : Really? We only end up talking about our problems and successes to more and more people. That social need never ends.

I  : So?

Me  : Me decided to do something different. To make ‘Me’ the center of the world and make ‘My Feelings’ most important and made ‘My Perceptions’ more significant than others.

I  : You are a narcissist yo! You are obsessed with yourself now. That’s all there is to it!

Me  : Haha.. You ordinary person. I’m just self-sufficient and I’m the source of my emotions. Don’t you see it.. I’m not dependent on anyone for my emotional needs? What does this mean?

I  : I don’t know. I just think you’ve lost it yo!

Me  : Never mind fella. It just means that I can accept reality better and deal with my issues without falling on external comforts.

I: So, what now??

Me: Love myself, experience and enjoy every moment I live to the fullest… Good or bad, I can take it as is and all on my own…

I: I don’t know! I still can’t understand you…

Me: That’s the whole point! You needn’t understand me at all, buddy. The point is I’ve understood myself better and treasure my self-awareness!

I: Urgh!

The Characters: The idiot, his friends, the innocent guy, and me

Here is the conversation:

His friends, ‘Who are you?’

Me, ‘I saw the accident.’

‘Do you know that guy?’

‘No’

‘We’ll take care. You can leave now’

‘No, I’m not leaving until you let that innocent guy go. It was not his fault. Don’t you dare touch him!’

And I stood there fearless. Perhaps for the first time, I was taking on such a thing in life. I was standing for the right cause. I was ready for anything – maybe even a fist fight!

The Incident:

I had just got off the cab and was walking back home after a long day’s work. Our innocent guy (the one whom I was standing for) is happily riding his bike when suddenly Mr. Idiot comes from the wrong side and crashes into his bike.

Mr. Idiot is hurt badly and slaps our innocent guy even before he can realize what has just happened. Amazed? Well, this is Hyderabad! I’m sick and tired of seeing such madness almost every day.

Feeling:

Honestly, if I had enough guts, I would have loved to slap that idiot who made the mistake and then blamed it on our innocent guy. I wanted to do something to the injustice that was happening right in front of my eyes. The bad was ruling over the good!

And Then:

I go and stand in between the idiot and innocent guy. I tell the idiot that it was his fault and he had no rights to touch the other person. This is when the idiot’s friends come into picture and the conversation happens.

I stood there until they let that innocent guy go. I stood there for a few more seconds to enjoy the happiness that came with that moment. This is the first time I had stood for the truth and a good cause.

Boy! I’m glad I did it! It was long due…

Incident 1: I really don’t know when it happened but as I entered my office I realized that my ID card was missing. Not a big deal – I just had to collect a temporary one and place an order for a new one.

Incident 2: I open my Gmail account the next day and there is an email from someone through my Google profile and guess what the subject line of the email is? Your ID card!

Incident 3: I’m at my office reception. I say hello, shake hands, collect my ID card, thank him and walk back to my desk. There’s loads of work to do and I better get it done on time!

But wait. Then there was the rush of emotions-I want to thank this person again. I want to get to know this person better. I even want to spend some time talking to him about my perceptions on how bad this world is or maybe how there are still a lot a good people around, just like him. Could we have a retake of incident 3? Please.

In between the 3 incidents: A person is traveling in the auto and happens to find an ID card on the road. I can’t reason this out – instead of disregarding it and moving on with his own life (I promise, that’s exactly what I would have done – how shameless!), he decides to pick it up and return it. This is exactly where it gets a little complicated…

The ID card: Well it has just my photo, full name, and 4 small colorful balls (one in each corner).  If it were me, I would have felt hopeless at that very moment and changed my mind. But, that’s not what happened.

The search: This person decides to Google the name in the ID card and finds a way to reach the owner. Pretty simple, you put in the full name and because it’s Google, you ought to get some results. In this case, my Google profile was the first result and it didn’t take more than a minute to send an email! Long live the internet…

The best part: After I reply to the email, still trying to come to terms with what I’d just experienced, the person decides to give me yet another surprise. He pays a visit to my office and hands over the ID card.

Me the Loser: I just collect the ID card, thank the person, and walk back to my desk. I’m such a bad loser! For all the efforts that he’d put in, I should have at least spent some time talking with him. To hell with a conversation! I should have told him at least this –

My dear friend, you’ve change my perception about this world. As hard as it is to believe, there are still good people who go out of their way to help others! You’ve passed the baton and I’ll be sure to carry it forward!

You may not agree when I say that my place is a little weird, especially when it comes to weddings. Three years ago, I was just a kid at college who knew nothing about life and now? Everyone around me says it’s time to get married. Like hell, I’ve changed in these three years – I’m still the same confused kid I used to be in college!

Here are three different versions of what I think will happen if I say the most doomed sentence, ‘Let us get married’ to someone I love!

Version 1: Somewhere far away!

Me: Let’s get married baby!

She: What? You sure you want to do this? I don’t think I’m ready for it… Actually, I like the idea. (Smiles)

Me: Well, let’s give it a shot then. We’ve been going around for 3 years now it’s time we did something different (Winks)

She: Let’s give it a shot. (Kisses)

Version 2: Somewhere near my place!

Me: Let’s get married dear!

She: What? Are you crazy? Do you think that’s an easy thing to do? Oh my God!

Me: Hold on! Why are you panicking?

She: Why shouldn’t I? I don’t know how I’m going to talk to my parents? I don’t know how my relatives will react to our love? I don’t know what my friends will think about us getting married? Lord! I don’t think I can face so many people.

Me: Well, first tell me what YOU think about us getting married…

She: How does that matter? God! My parents, my brother, my cousins, my relatives, my friends… Marriage… May be you should talk to them… No! I’d rather wait until they talk about my marriage… I can’t do this! (Tears)

Me: Wait? Now who’s crazy here?

She: I don’t know. (Looks everywhere and finally at her watch) It’s getting late and I have to go home, else my parents will start worrying about me. (She walks away)

Me: (lost)

Version 3: In our Movies!

Me: Let’s get married

She: Yes (And the villain appears) or No (And the alcohol appears)

Me: It’s a screw up anyway! Should I be happy for not having to fight a villain or worry about overcoming the biggest temptation in life? (Smiles. Let’s have a song sequence anyway!)

So, what do I do?

The thing that everyone around here is famous for – Procrastinate! Take things as they come and blame it on ‘destiny/fate’

Me: Maybe we were never meant to be! (Boy! What a lame excuse…)

She: I’m glad you understood it! I’m sorry it had to be this way (Oh! Saves all the trouble)

And, life goes on…

Incident: I’m walking back home. I could have taken an auto but didn’t. I’ve not felt this good for a long time now but now I’m on top of the word of the world. I keep saying ‘losing doesn’t matter’ but I just realized that winning does. Guess they are the two ends of a spectrum!

We won a cricket match today and I’m basking in that glory (all alone). All I wanted to do was think about it and feel good. It took a long time coming and was definitely not easy. They say that when you play well, you win. That’s not very true. Life is not fair and so is sport.

Feeling: Sometimes you feel so good that you just can’t find the right word to describe it! (Or maybe I choose not to express it this time around)

So here I am, walking and thinking about a lot of random things that I did with regard to cricket.

Back in school, I missed the birthday of my girlfriend to play a cricket match. We won that day and in the happiness, I forgot to wish her. She didn’t make a big difference in my life anyway! Cricket was a better choice I guess…

In college, I missed the finals of my league cricket because I waiting to pick up a friend who was late for the match. I was the opening batsmen and he was the opening bowler. The game had started by the time we reached and our team lost the trophy. I felt bad that day but the friend of mine is one of the dearest I have. Not playing that game was perhaps the turning point in our friendship…

I’ve been a part of my school, college, club and district teams that lost matches. We lost so many matches that after some time losing didn’t hurt me anymore. Then came the time when I started seeing the good side of losing a match. You’d just take the positives and hope you’d win the next one. Just being out there in the ground would give all the happiness I needed…

Now: What I learned in today’s victory is that having lost so many matches in the past, I had failed to realize what I was missing by not winning. Losing didn’t mean anything to me then and maybe losing still doesn’t mean anything. But I’m glad that I finally realized that winning matters. It means a lot especially when you’ve craved for it and tried your best to set things right for a long time….

“Victory matters!” I said to myself with a smile and keep walking.

I want to win more often…

Why Did I Travel?

It’s not everyday that I decide to give up on a cricket match to travel somewhere. I remember playing cricket matches during my board exam study holidays and even a day before my sister’s wedding. But, this time, I chose otherwise. I just felt like it!

Where Did I Travel?

It’s Friday evening and I hurry up to catch a cab. I’m an hour earlier that the departure time. This is the first time I’m going to be traveling in an AC coach. Guess what? They let me use the AC waiting room (I didn’t know something like that existed). An hour passed by, and it was time for me to leave for Chennai. A long, wonderful, and eventful weekend just began!

The Journey towards Chennai:

How often would you find yourself sitting with 5 totally different people in a compartment? All different age groups, social and economic backgrounds, occupations and a lot more. But, there was one similarity – willingness to share and learn.

We spoke for about 5 hours on random topics. We learned from each other in everything what we spoke. We shared so many valuable information and ideas. Never before have I felt so comfortable talking about my ideologies to strangers. In fact, from almost the moment the train started to until it reached Chennai, I felt like I was with people I had known for years together. I felt a strange connection with every single person when I got off the train. Life will never be the same again!

The Journey back to Hyderabad:

The actual reason for me to travel to Chennai was to drive back to Hyderabad with a friend. Here I was, at my friend’s place, one half of me lost thinking about the train journey and the other half excited about the long drive back home.

The morning finally arrived. We drove on the highway; we drove from dawn to dusk; we ate, slept, laughed, listened to music, and even saw a kid trying to strangle a hen to death while getting the tire fixed.

I drove on the highway; I drove about 80km non stop. It felt magical. That’s all I can say! I drove again; my legs hurt but I kept driving. It’s a special feeling to have a car under your control and it’s even special if you have it all for yourself for the first time in your life!

In the end!

A weekend that will remain close to my heart for the people I met, for the things I learned, and for completing first of the many long drives that I wish to do…